Keeping secrets in marriage – When is it ok? –

In the car several months ago, I heard a radio DJ discussing the topic of what men complain the most about when it comes to their partners. He was talking specifically about what his friend (a marriage counselor) told him he hears most often from the men he sees in therapy. My thoughts on this subject were spot on with what the DJ had to say.

Most men’s biggest complaint about their partner is that they feel as though they have given up. I was in instant agreement, because I hear this all the time from clients, friends and strangers. I love it when people speak the truth and I especially love it when the “unsaid” things of relationships see the light of day.

We need to talk about things like this more.

Fast forward to recently – same radio station. The  segment is called “Love Court”. A listener emailed to get advice on a secret bank account she found, of her husbands. I am not so in love with this woman’s truth. In fact, it probably could have gone unsaid – well at least publicly unsaid to the entire metropolitan Detroit area. Any who: her problem additionally, was that there were charges for massages on a regular basis from this account.

The question posed was what she should do. Number one lady, handle your business and don’t email a radio station and YES, you should say something to your husband.

Shaking. My. Head.

After some discussion amongst the hosts, they took a caller. A woman caller – who insisted that the massages were of the kinky nature and said something along the lines of, “We all know what ‘massages’ (and she verbally added the phrase air-quote) means”. Umm…we do?? Please Nostradamus, enlighten me as to how you know what this man is “up to”.

Now I am pissed.

This is a very serious jump in conclusion. Why is it that as women, we assume dirty, nasty, nefarious behavior before we might consider the guy could be doing absolutely nothing wrong? Thank baby Jesus that the hosts are not the type of people to blow this up into some crazy, sensationalized segment. They actually said what I was thinking.

  1. Why are you emailing a radio station?

I’ll tell you why she emailed them. Because this woman want a little bit of hand holding – someone to tell her she’s not crazy (i.e. they’re right). Instead of trusting in the relationship they have – she makes an emotional plea to strangers and spreads their business across the airwaves, when she ought to be dealing with the issue IN the relationship.

Now, I realize that this may sound like a generalization, but women do this sort of thing all the damn time. The result of this behavior is WHY men think women are certifiably insane.

Biology doesn’t lie and women are hard wired to be emotional. I get it, but to what end do we allow this to influence decision making in extremely delicate situations. Aren’t some things just sacred?

Pull yourself together ladies.

Granted, this emailer’s husband could indeed be a filthy cheater. In that case, he should be ashamed. He might also be stressed and acting typically of a man and not sharing every last detail of his emotional status. If this woman actually spoke to her husband (in a productive way) and in terms that men respond to – he might possibly have come to her with whatever the issue is that has lead him to have a secret bank account and these massage charges.

And here’s a thought…what didn’t she include in her email? I like to look at what someone doesn’t say in addition to what they do say. Call me crazy, but she might be leaving something out. Just saying.

What if he stashes money away because she is terrible with finances and blows their cash on frivolous crap? What if she emasculates him and makes him feel like he needs to ask her permission to spend a few bucks on himself? And what the hell is going on in this relationship at its core that secrets are being kept and money hidden?

Keeping secrets in marriage – When is it ok?

She is only giving us her version and sorry not sorry, more often than not, women will paint themselves a victim before they admit any fault for a failing relationship. Believe me no one is ever without fault. Secrecy is the result of lack. Something in this marriage is lacking and it takes two people to do that.

The moral of this part of the story is that by and large, women do not understand how men act on their emotions. Their default reaction is one of a logical nature. If the situation were reversed, the man might still be a bit upset about a secret bank account, but he would not automatically think that the massages were anything more than damn massages.

And he most likely would not email a radio station to ask for help.

Ladies, I’m ashamed to call you my people sometimes because of shit like this. And men, on behalf of their emotionally induced reactions, I humbly apologize. Yet it still does not change the lunacy of situations like this. It does not change the stereotype of “women are crazy” and “men are assholes”.

What changes it is knocking it the hell off. Women need to let go of snagging prince charming and then putting the relationship on auto-pilot. Happily ever after takes work. Knowing how your partner communicates and being able to establish that is your responsibility. It does not belong to radio DJ’s or their listeners.

As much disdain as I have for this woman’s emotional and very public plea, I am just as upset at her husband for creating an environment of mistrust and secrecy. Hiding money and activities or lying to your wife is not particularly masculine and praise worthy. Before one cent went into that account, he needed to man up and knock it off too.

Self-awareness, emotions, communication are not just fancy words created by women, for women to help them express feelings. That shit is real and men most definitely need to get on the band wagon. Men, you are also responsible for establishing the connection with your partner. I know that it’s not largely acceptable to show feelings, but newsflash, that doesn’t make you weak or any less of a man.

What makes you less of a man is when you turn the “Hot Crazy Matrix” myth into reality by doing stupid shit and keeping secrets in marriage that are kind of a big deal.

Man up. Don’t lie. And for the love of God – keep your damn wife off of the radio.

Tell me what you think in the comments and share this, below!